JANIS
I was born in Adelaide and stayed there until I was 23. Then I thought I needed to get out, see the world and do something different because there was a part of me that my family didn’t really know about.
When I was younger I was pretty outgoing, running around the paddocks with my brother and mates – riding BMX bikes and doing dirt jumps, just being boys, really. In my high school years I became more of a geek, I got really into physics and maths. I became really isolated in my late teens. I think I isolated myself but there was also a lot of pressure from my family to be someone that didn’t fit my idea of who I was.
I knew I was gay at about 10. I just felt that way, it was weird. My childhood friends were real lads. ‘Let’s go looking for porn in the paddocks’, they’d say. So I’d be hanging out with them and they’d be looking at the girls in the pictures while I was doing the opposite! I felt like I hid it well.
My mum is a pastor at an Assemblies of God Church and is from the Philippines. My dad is from Latvia. I was taught that being gay is dirty, a sin. For me the conflict was trying to reconcile this with how I felt inside. It caused a huge amount of sadness and depression and really knocked my confidence, especially in my late teens. I questioned the beliefs I was brought up with too. The older I got, the more jaded with the world I became as I realised that people would judge me, especially in a church environment where people live by a certain code.
I went to the Philippines several times growing up. Walking around Manilla I remember we’d see lady boys and my relatives would laugh, point and use derogatory slurs. To me that just seemed like the thing to do; ‘Oh, OK, there’s something wrong with them, I should point the finger as well.’
I attempted uni but it didn’t work out. I was still isolating myself. I thought ‘Screw it’and moved to Latvia for two years, trying to find myself. Basically I was drunk the whole time. But the drinking didn’t help, it pushed me further away from who I was, and worsened my identity crisis. The Christian guilt incapacitated me too; I thought I couldn’t act on my feelings because there was external judgment looking on. It took time for me to learn to block out those noises.
After Latvia I was really depressed. I moved to Sydney for six years and that’s when I came out, after meeting many other gay people. It was the biggest awakening in my life. I met a guy, yoga teacher by day and drag queen by night, who encouraged me to be truthful to my parents even if it hurts, so that I can move forward. After the first year I went back to Adelaide to visit. I went for a walk with my mum on the first night and I said ‘Mum, you know who I am, right?’ I was really nervous. She kept saying ‘No, what do you mean?’ I didn’t know how to bring it up. Eventually we sat down on a bench and I mustered up the courage and just told her ‘I’m gay’. She broke down in tears. She was really sad. Obviously the Christian side of it came out as well. But I love her to bits because she’s grown a lot since then. She’s completely changed in the way she interacts with me. Maybe not the beliefs she has but she has changed the way she behaves.
Since I came out I’ve been generally surprised at how people have reacted. Not really any negativity. Some people I thought were friends haven’t been able to accept who I am and it’s caused them to self-reflect. Of course, I’ve experienced homophobia going to a nightclub or just holding a boyfriend’s hand. That attracts some negative comments but nothing that makes me think it’s not worth it and I should hide. Everything has made me feel stronger about myself and who I want to be.
Sometimes it’s still necessary for me to hide the fact that I’m gay, even when I first came to Perth. I was working a labour intensive construction job with really robust, macho, guys. I had to blend in because I didn’t want to attract any unwanted attention that might cause danger to me. Who knows, maybe it was all in my head. But that’s not the first time I’ve found myself trying to blend in.
I joined GALSWA a year ago. I struggled at first to join. I didn’t have the courage and was lacking self-esteem. Then one day I thought ‘Screw it, I’m going to drive down, park the car, get out the car, walk inside and see what happens.’ It’s been the best opportunity. It’s allowed me to be myself, especially last year during the December performance when I got to do a solo in drag, which was a lot of fun.
I discovered dressing in drag about a year ago. It just resonated with me. It looked like fun and I wondered whether I could walk in high heels. A member of the choir helped me with make up and I minced about in the mirror. Then I decided to wear drag going out to the Court and got lots of positive vibes. I agreed to do a choir solo at a recent performance and eventually I thought ‘Maybe I should do this in drag’. I did and it was great fun. Drag is fun but it’s also therapy. I’m getting to tap into the feminine energy that I blocked out through my teenage years. In drag it feels like I’m re-living my childhood but in a positive way.
When I was younger I was pretty outgoing, running around the paddocks with my brother and mates – riding BMX bikes and doing dirt jumps, just being boys, really. In my high school years I became more of a geek, I got really into physics and maths. I became really isolated in my late teens. I think I isolated myself but there was also a lot of pressure from my family to be someone that didn’t fit my idea of who I was.
I knew I was gay at about 10. I just felt that way, it was weird. My childhood friends were real lads. ‘Let’s go looking for porn in the paddocks’, they’d say. So I’d be hanging out with them and they’d be looking at the girls in the pictures while I was doing the opposite! I felt like I hid it well.
My mum is a pastor at an Assemblies of God Church and is from the Philippines. My dad is from Latvia. I was taught that being gay is dirty, a sin. For me the conflict was trying to reconcile this with how I felt inside. It caused a huge amount of sadness and depression and really knocked my confidence, especially in my late teens. I questioned the beliefs I was brought up with too. The older I got, the more jaded with the world I became as I realised that people would judge me, especially in a church environment where people live by a certain code.
I went to the Philippines several times growing up. Walking around Manilla I remember we’d see lady boys and my relatives would laugh, point and use derogatory slurs. To me that just seemed like the thing to do; ‘Oh, OK, there’s something wrong with them, I should point the finger as well.’
I attempted uni but it didn’t work out. I was still isolating myself. I thought ‘Screw it’and moved to Latvia for two years, trying to find myself. Basically I was drunk the whole time. But the drinking didn’t help, it pushed me further away from who I was, and worsened my identity crisis. The Christian guilt incapacitated me too; I thought I couldn’t act on my feelings because there was external judgment looking on. It took time for me to learn to block out those noises.
After Latvia I was really depressed. I moved to Sydney for six years and that’s when I came out, after meeting many other gay people. It was the biggest awakening in my life. I met a guy, yoga teacher by day and drag queen by night, who encouraged me to be truthful to my parents even if it hurts, so that I can move forward. After the first year I went back to Adelaide to visit. I went for a walk with my mum on the first night and I said ‘Mum, you know who I am, right?’ I was really nervous. She kept saying ‘No, what do you mean?’ I didn’t know how to bring it up. Eventually we sat down on a bench and I mustered up the courage and just told her ‘I’m gay’. She broke down in tears. She was really sad. Obviously the Christian side of it came out as well. But I love her to bits because she’s grown a lot since then. She’s completely changed in the way she interacts with me. Maybe not the beliefs she has but she has changed the way she behaves.
Since I came out I’ve been generally surprised at how people have reacted. Not really any negativity. Some people I thought were friends haven’t been able to accept who I am and it’s caused them to self-reflect. Of course, I’ve experienced homophobia going to a nightclub or just holding a boyfriend’s hand. That attracts some negative comments but nothing that makes me think it’s not worth it and I should hide. Everything has made me feel stronger about myself and who I want to be.
Sometimes it’s still necessary for me to hide the fact that I’m gay, even when I first came to Perth. I was working a labour intensive construction job with really robust, macho, guys. I had to blend in because I didn’t want to attract any unwanted attention that might cause danger to me. Who knows, maybe it was all in my head. But that’s not the first time I’ve found myself trying to blend in.
I joined GALSWA a year ago. I struggled at first to join. I didn’t have the courage and was lacking self-esteem. Then one day I thought ‘Screw it, I’m going to drive down, park the car, get out the car, walk inside and see what happens.’ It’s been the best opportunity. It’s allowed me to be myself, especially last year during the December performance when I got to do a solo in drag, which was a lot of fun.
I discovered dressing in drag about a year ago. It just resonated with me. It looked like fun and I wondered whether I could walk in high heels. A member of the choir helped me with make up and I minced about in the mirror. Then I decided to wear drag going out to the Court and got lots of positive vibes. I agreed to do a choir solo at a recent performance and eventually I thought ‘Maybe I should do this in drag’. I did and it was great fun. Drag is fun but it’s also therapy. I’m getting to tap into the feminine energy that I blocked out through my teenage years. In drag it feels like I’m re-living my childhood but in a positive way.