CHRIS
I grew up thinking I was going to one day get married to a man like everyone else. In the early 70’s I moved to Newman. There I met and fell in love with Di. I was 24. Immediately I met Di I thought ‘That’s someone I’d like to be friends with’. We met at the setting up of a hockey club in Newman and we were put into the same team. Both of us were dating guys, who eventually dropped away. At first, because neither of us knew we were gay it was really tricky to explain to each other how we felt. I worried that if I told her I’d lose her as a friend. One night it got all too much and I told her exactly how I felt. She said ‘No!’ I cried. Then we talked for a while and later I kissed her and this time it was reciprocated. It just felt so right.
So then we were in a full blown relationship in Newman, hiding in cupboards and behind closed doors. The first person we told was our flat mate and she said ‘Look, if you find love, grab it’. The next person to find out was my sister in law, who walked in on us in a single bed. Later she said ‘Oh I didn’t think anything of it because as nurses you have always shared beds’. She was also OK with it. We never formally came out. We didn’t label our relationship, but just told people we were partners. Di’s brother was angry when we initially told him and took it back to basic biology. He mellowed eventually. Because we’d been together for many years before disclosing our relationship, we were accepted for the people we were and not so much importance was placed on the relationship. My mum must have known but not admitted it to herself. When I finally told her, she said ‘Please don’t tell me what you do in bed’ and I said ‘I wasn’t going to!’ Di’s mum cried for three days and then said ‘I just want you to be happy’. Di said ‘I am deliriously happy.’ She replied ‘Oh, right, well I better stop crying then!’ So we’ve had a mixed reaction but generally people have been supportive. We’ve been very lucky.
We were together for five years, closeted, just thinking that this was a very special friendship. Then we met the first person that defined themselves as gay and in a relationship with a woman. They introduced us to the gay community. That was amazing! It felt like we’d met our family. It was such a freeing feeling – there’s more of us! It made us feel almost ‘normal’. We used to go to gay sessions at pubs, like the Red Lion on a Sunday. There we could dance, sing and be free.
I was a midwife and most people in that profession just didn’t talk about homosexuality. I remember one colleague saying to me one day ‘What does your husband do?’ I said ‘I don’t have a husband.’ ‘But you have a partner don’t you?’ ‘Yes. It’s a woman.’ ‘But you didn’t tell me you were gay.’ I replied ‘You didn’t tell me that you were heterosexual. Are you?’ But whenever I did tell people it was always fine. Sadly, Di was never able to be ‘out’ at work so we never displayed affection for each other in public nor in front of family. You didn’t ever feel like you were welcome to do that sort of thing. I had heard many say over the years ‘It’s OK so long as they don’t shove it in our faces’. But I have never felt threatened or unsafe in public.
I always wanted to be a mother. Di was much more thoughtful and was concerned about bringing up children in a gay relationship. She was worried that they’d be persecuted and didn’t think it was our right to put our children through that. We spoke to lawyers, doctors and all sorts about the best way to protect the child if we became parents. I was advised by a lawyer that the safest way to maintain parentage was to have an unknown donor. So that’s what we did. We were able to source an obstetrician that would help. It was a long and drawn out process because I was 36 before we decided to proceed. I think in three or four years I had three miscarriages. It was an emotional rollercoaster. We finally managed a successful pregnancy but because by then I was 40 we had additional surveillance. Anyway, our baby arrived and everything was wonderful. We then had a second child with the same donor so the boys are full brothers; I carried both children. We decided we wouldn’t have children without both our families’ support. Luckily for us they were supportive. Parenting has been a wonderful experience for both of us. It has taken us to the highest and the lowest points in our lives.
We thought one of our sons, James, was gay when he was about three. He was different, out there, flamboyant, liked dressing up and dancing, not interested in playing as most boys were. We would have preferred that he wasn’t gay just because it’s such a hard road for gay men. But we let him be and didn’t stop him from doing whatever he wanted to do. We’d say ‘You are who you are, just be yourself.’ When he was 16 he came to tell us he was gay but he was frightened to tell us. We thought that was amazing. We said, ‘Don’t label it, just go off and explore your identity’. I always wanted to join a choir as I was in choirs as a child. When James was about 20 he was having trouble meeting people. He had always loved singing and music so I suggested that he and I join a choir together. We chose the Gay and Lesbian Choir of WA. I think for a few weeks people thought I was the mother bringing my gay son to choir. Then they realised that I was gay too. We have found much more than a choir. It’s like a family. It’s just amazing. It’s very different to other choirs because there’s a common purpose and need – supporting our community and giving people a safe place to be themselves. Being accepted without needing to put on a show for anyone is a wonderful resource.
So then we were in a full blown relationship in Newman, hiding in cupboards and behind closed doors. The first person we told was our flat mate and she said ‘Look, if you find love, grab it’. The next person to find out was my sister in law, who walked in on us in a single bed. Later she said ‘Oh I didn’t think anything of it because as nurses you have always shared beds’. She was also OK with it. We never formally came out. We didn’t label our relationship, but just told people we were partners. Di’s brother was angry when we initially told him and took it back to basic biology. He mellowed eventually. Because we’d been together for many years before disclosing our relationship, we were accepted for the people we were and not so much importance was placed on the relationship. My mum must have known but not admitted it to herself. When I finally told her, she said ‘Please don’t tell me what you do in bed’ and I said ‘I wasn’t going to!’ Di’s mum cried for three days and then said ‘I just want you to be happy’. Di said ‘I am deliriously happy.’ She replied ‘Oh, right, well I better stop crying then!’ So we’ve had a mixed reaction but generally people have been supportive. We’ve been very lucky.
We were together for five years, closeted, just thinking that this was a very special friendship. Then we met the first person that defined themselves as gay and in a relationship with a woman. They introduced us to the gay community. That was amazing! It felt like we’d met our family. It was such a freeing feeling – there’s more of us! It made us feel almost ‘normal’. We used to go to gay sessions at pubs, like the Red Lion on a Sunday. There we could dance, sing and be free.
I was a midwife and most people in that profession just didn’t talk about homosexuality. I remember one colleague saying to me one day ‘What does your husband do?’ I said ‘I don’t have a husband.’ ‘But you have a partner don’t you?’ ‘Yes. It’s a woman.’ ‘But you didn’t tell me you were gay.’ I replied ‘You didn’t tell me that you were heterosexual. Are you?’ But whenever I did tell people it was always fine. Sadly, Di was never able to be ‘out’ at work so we never displayed affection for each other in public nor in front of family. You didn’t ever feel like you were welcome to do that sort of thing. I had heard many say over the years ‘It’s OK so long as they don’t shove it in our faces’. But I have never felt threatened or unsafe in public.
I always wanted to be a mother. Di was much more thoughtful and was concerned about bringing up children in a gay relationship. She was worried that they’d be persecuted and didn’t think it was our right to put our children through that. We spoke to lawyers, doctors and all sorts about the best way to protect the child if we became parents. I was advised by a lawyer that the safest way to maintain parentage was to have an unknown donor. So that’s what we did. We were able to source an obstetrician that would help. It was a long and drawn out process because I was 36 before we decided to proceed. I think in three or four years I had three miscarriages. It was an emotional rollercoaster. We finally managed a successful pregnancy but because by then I was 40 we had additional surveillance. Anyway, our baby arrived and everything was wonderful. We then had a second child with the same donor so the boys are full brothers; I carried both children. We decided we wouldn’t have children without both our families’ support. Luckily for us they were supportive. Parenting has been a wonderful experience for both of us. It has taken us to the highest and the lowest points in our lives.
We thought one of our sons, James, was gay when he was about three. He was different, out there, flamboyant, liked dressing up and dancing, not interested in playing as most boys were. We would have preferred that he wasn’t gay just because it’s such a hard road for gay men. But we let him be and didn’t stop him from doing whatever he wanted to do. We’d say ‘You are who you are, just be yourself.’ When he was 16 he came to tell us he was gay but he was frightened to tell us. We thought that was amazing. We said, ‘Don’t label it, just go off and explore your identity’. I always wanted to join a choir as I was in choirs as a child. When James was about 20 he was having trouble meeting people. He had always loved singing and music so I suggested that he and I join a choir together. We chose the Gay and Lesbian Choir of WA. I think for a few weeks people thought I was the mother bringing my gay son to choir. Then they realised that I was gay too. We have found much more than a choir. It’s like a family. It’s just amazing. It’s very different to other choirs because there’s a common purpose and need – supporting our community and giving people a safe place to be themselves. Being accepted without needing to put on a show for anyone is a wonderful resource.