CAROLE
I was born in York, England. My parents emigrated to Australia in 1969. We spent our next six years in Sydney. I was a happy, gregarious teenager with a large group of close girlfriends at high school.
I didn’t actually name the fact that I was a lesbian until I was in my mid 20’s, despite having my first relationship with a woman at 21, and didn’t ‘come out’ until I was 31. I’ve always been attracted to women, it was my secret. I went out with a few boys but there was no attraction for me. My first relationship lasted for three and a half years but it wasn’t the happiest or most stable. When it ended I went into denial for three years. I had lost my mother to cancer and my brother in a car accident just before the relationship started and had not properly grieved. The denial of my sexuality, on top of the suppressed grieving, sent me into a downward spiral and I became depressed and suicidal. After my negative experience in my first gay relationship I thought ‘Well if that’s what being gay is I don’t want to be gay’. I shoved it all down deep.
My next partner and I ‘got married’ in our eyes. We went up separately in Ian J Brown jewellers to buy ourselves ‘wedding rings’ as a private acknowledgement of our commitment. We built a house together. But to the outside world we were just ‘friends sharing a house’. We maintained this farce for the six years we were together with our own separate bedrooms for appearances sake.
I was in the closet for 10 years because I was ashamed of being gay and afraid of being rejected by everyone in my life, especially my family. When I look back now I believe it was internalised homophobia towards myself more than anything else as this was in the late 80’s early 90’s when attitudes towards gay people had begun to change.
I broke up with my second partner when I was 31. We had subscribed to a lesbian publication, ‘Grapevine’ so I could see that there was so much more to life than living in the closet. I began to pull away from her and do lots of exercise. I started to feel good about myself and I had a growing desire to connect with the lesbian community and ‘be out’. My partner didn’t share my desire and we eventually split. I moved in with a straight friend. I believe that was the catalyst for my life changing completely for the better. I still say ‘life began at 31’.
I used to go and see my dad and step mother every Thursday night for dinner. I knew I had to tell them why I had moved out of the home we had shared. I went over there as usual, nervous as hell and drank about six glasses of wine. When my step mother said she was going to bed I said ‘I’ve got something to tell you both’ and blurted out ‘I’m gay’, then burst into tears. My step mother was very kind and came to sit next to me, put her arm around me and said ‘It’s OK, we still love you’. All my father said was ‘Well we thought you were’. I was on such a high that night - I was finally ‘out’ and hadn’t been rejected!
I’d felt trapped for so long but then it felt like I catapulted into a whole different life. I met new people and was on top of the world for about two years. I had to give up my job as my world felt like it was spinning too fast for me to focus on work. I was on a roller coaster of joy. I felt like a teenager again but more so as I was being who I was for the first time in my life; no more secrets.
Being put through the awfulness of the postal vote to get married infuriated me. We had to get permission from the rest of society in order to express our commitment to each other. Everyone else just took it for granted that they could get married. I had always wanted to get married but it was never an option for me. At best our relationships were tolerated. I was on such a high when the ‘Yes’ vote was passed.
We have to ‘come out’ over and over, explaining our private lives to people every time there’s a change in your life. People just assume you are straight. They often ask ‘Are you married?’ ‘Do you have children?’ When you say ‘No’ they look at you strangely. Now when people ask why I’m not married I tell them ‘Up until a year and a half ago I wasn’t allowed to get married’. It feels good to not lie about who I am anymore.
I started a new job four years ago. Prior to that I was working in a very supportive environment. Everyone knew I was gay and it was not an issue. In my new job it felt like I was back in the closet. I had been ‘out’ since I was 31 and still felt a fear of rejection by new work mates. For the first 12 - 18 months I was picking and choosing who it felt ‘safe’ to tell. I guess that internalised homophobia is still lurking somewhere inside me.
I was in GALSWA for 18 years and it was incredible. It gave me friendships, camaraderie, a feeling of connection to the gay community, a sense of belonging and I loved the highs I felt when we hit a beautiful harmony. There were many ‘goose bump’ moments. We’d hit notes together and you’d feel the energy in the room lift. It raises you up to another level and really opens up parts of you that you didn’t know were there. It’s quite a magical experience. It’s also very good for your breathing and lungs so it’s an all-round winner. I think it gives you a spiritual high that you don’t get to experience in many other parts of your life.
I didn’t actually name the fact that I was a lesbian until I was in my mid 20’s, despite having my first relationship with a woman at 21, and didn’t ‘come out’ until I was 31. I’ve always been attracted to women, it was my secret. I went out with a few boys but there was no attraction for me. My first relationship lasted for three and a half years but it wasn’t the happiest or most stable. When it ended I went into denial for three years. I had lost my mother to cancer and my brother in a car accident just before the relationship started and had not properly grieved. The denial of my sexuality, on top of the suppressed grieving, sent me into a downward spiral and I became depressed and suicidal. After my negative experience in my first gay relationship I thought ‘Well if that’s what being gay is I don’t want to be gay’. I shoved it all down deep.
My next partner and I ‘got married’ in our eyes. We went up separately in Ian J Brown jewellers to buy ourselves ‘wedding rings’ as a private acknowledgement of our commitment. We built a house together. But to the outside world we were just ‘friends sharing a house’. We maintained this farce for the six years we were together with our own separate bedrooms for appearances sake.
I was in the closet for 10 years because I was ashamed of being gay and afraid of being rejected by everyone in my life, especially my family. When I look back now I believe it was internalised homophobia towards myself more than anything else as this was in the late 80’s early 90’s when attitudes towards gay people had begun to change.
I broke up with my second partner when I was 31. We had subscribed to a lesbian publication, ‘Grapevine’ so I could see that there was so much more to life than living in the closet. I began to pull away from her and do lots of exercise. I started to feel good about myself and I had a growing desire to connect with the lesbian community and ‘be out’. My partner didn’t share my desire and we eventually split. I moved in with a straight friend. I believe that was the catalyst for my life changing completely for the better. I still say ‘life began at 31’.
I used to go and see my dad and step mother every Thursday night for dinner. I knew I had to tell them why I had moved out of the home we had shared. I went over there as usual, nervous as hell and drank about six glasses of wine. When my step mother said she was going to bed I said ‘I’ve got something to tell you both’ and blurted out ‘I’m gay’, then burst into tears. My step mother was very kind and came to sit next to me, put her arm around me and said ‘It’s OK, we still love you’. All my father said was ‘Well we thought you were’. I was on such a high that night - I was finally ‘out’ and hadn’t been rejected!
I’d felt trapped for so long but then it felt like I catapulted into a whole different life. I met new people and was on top of the world for about two years. I had to give up my job as my world felt like it was spinning too fast for me to focus on work. I was on a roller coaster of joy. I felt like a teenager again but more so as I was being who I was for the first time in my life; no more secrets.
Being put through the awfulness of the postal vote to get married infuriated me. We had to get permission from the rest of society in order to express our commitment to each other. Everyone else just took it for granted that they could get married. I had always wanted to get married but it was never an option for me. At best our relationships were tolerated. I was on such a high when the ‘Yes’ vote was passed.
We have to ‘come out’ over and over, explaining our private lives to people every time there’s a change in your life. People just assume you are straight. They often ask ‘Are you married?’ ‘Do you have children?’ When you say ‘No’ they look at you strangely. Now when people ask why I’m not married I tell them ‘Up until a year and a half ago I wasn’t allowed to get married’. It feels good to not lie about who I am anymore.
I started a new job four years ago. Prior to that I was working in a very supportive environment. Everyone knew I was gay and it was not an issue. In my new job it felt like I was back in the closet. I had been ‘out’ since I was 31 and still felt a fear of rejection by new work mates. For the first 12 - 18 months I was picking and choosing who it felt ‘safe’ to tell. I guess that internalised homophobia is still lurking somewhere inside me.
I was in GALSWA for 18 years and it was incredible. It gave me friendships, camaraderie, a feeling of connection to the gay community, a sense of belonging and I loved the highs I felt when we hit a beautiful harmony. There were many ‘goose bump’ moments. We’d hit notes together and you’d feel the energy in the room lift. It raises you up to another level and really opens up parts of you that you didn’t know were there. It’s quite a magical experience. It’s also very good for your breathing and lungs so it’s an all-round winner. I think it gives you a spiritual high that you don’t get to experience in many other parts of your life.