ALEX
Growing up I spent a lot of time on my own. I loved catching up with my girl cousins. My Barbie was always better groomed than theirs. I liked using the sewing machine. I liked putting my mum’s hair in curlers. I was a bit of a show pony; my mother delighted in me. I always wanted to make her happy so I’d paint pictures or pick flowers for the table. There was a sort of closeness there, but mainly in the form of me being praised for how creative or cute I was.
During my childhood my mother said more than once, ‘Hitler got it right, sending those guys straight to the gas chamber’. She was German. I really got the impression that she wasn’t accepting of gay people. My father was Lithuanian and poorly educated. Being 48 years older than me and always struggling with English, I rarely conversed with him. I’d expect him to answer a question with, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand’. When I was 29 or 30, I was walking with my father and, finding him unusually clear of mind, I asked him what he thought of homosexuality. He paused momentarily and said, ‘It’s just like planting a tree upside down’. We never broached the subject again but it seemed clear that he harboured no antipathy towards homosexuality; he just found it odd.
In my adolescence I dated girls and probably warmed to girls more than boys. But ‘gay’ never came into my mind, we didn’t know what ‘gay’ was. When I was 20, I got my girlfriend up the duff so I said, ‘Oh OK, I’ll get married’; she was intelligent and I always thought I’d get married one day so ‘Why not now?’ I thought ‘Maybe you can grow to love her’. Perhaps those early years of marriage were some of the happiest of my life, playing mothers and fathers. I had a roving eye towards the end of the decade. I had my first male sexual experience when I was 28. I thought ‘Uh-oh, I have to live a different life now.’ I sought counseling from an Irish Catholic nun. When I said, ‘I think I have to leave because I want to have sex with men’ she said ‘You don’t, you can stay with your wife and have a bloke on the side’. I disagreed; I couldn’t be duplicitous. But I struggled with leaving because I wanted my marriage to be the best and for my children to have the best upbringing. The break up was very stormy but zooming forward I have two sons that are married and live close by, one son has one child and the other has two. I adore being called ‘Granddad’. Me and the kids go on family holidays every year.
When I first realised I was gay I told my brother. He said ‘I thought so’. But I dared not tell my parents. At that time I was 29 to 30. I let my mum know when I was about 34. I’d done a course that encouraged me to be authentic. I gave myself two days to prepare. My mum was in Germany at the time. I called and said ‘By the way I’ve got something to say. I’m homosexual.’ She said ‘I feel sorry for you’. There was no hate. I asked her why and she said ‘Because of the lifestyle. It’s difficult if you’re homosexual. I think you should find a nice girl and get married.’ She probably thought ‘Just play that part of you down and live in the straight world’. It’s like, even though you’re a meat lover, stick to a vegetarian diet; it’s more acceptable. I appreciate that my mother carried all the disdain contained within her generation towards homosexuality.
I was due to come over to Germany to visit mum three weeks later. When she picked me up from the train station - it sounds like a cliché - but my hair was bleached blonde. Her first words on seeing me were ‘You don’t have to advertise it you know’. That’s her humour. She would have liked me just to play it down and I guess the message from her was that it was a bitter pill for her to swallow. But it was for me too. I was brought up in a straight mould. I identified as straight. Other people were gay. I wasn’t gay. And then you wake up one day and ‘Actually, you are gay. You are one of them.’ I did feel that being gay you were a lesser person. You were disenfranchised to some extent. You were the subject of criticism. People would whisper and point.
I don’t think I’ve had many experiences where people have said ‘You’re a fag.’ ‘You’re a poofter.’ It was more in my mind. And I’ve got to admit, too, when I was in the straight world I’d say about gay people ‘Oh they’re a bit suss.’ ‘A friend of Dorothy.’ But now I feel people are much more accepting and I’m much more open. I was at a party once and a woman said ‘I’m looking for a good husband’. I said ‘Look darling we’re in the same boat’. And, I was sitting with a real estate agent once and they asked ‘Your accent, where’s that from?’ and immediately I said ‘That’s a gay accent’. I would never have done that 15 years ago. In fact, the woman replied ‘Oh you’re gay? My dad’s gay.’ It’s a different sort of wind that’s blowing now.
About two years ago I thought I needed to get out and about a bit. I’d become quite disenchanted with the gay community and trying to make friends and my hobby had become emptying wine bottles into my stomach. I thought ‘There’s some living to be done here’. I thought I’d give the choir a whirl, despite not being the world’s best singer. I love the way that my week is punctuated every Thursday with practice. I love the activities and the concerts. We sang last year at a citizenship ceremony. I felt really good doing it. Singing is a wonderful thing and we were welcoming people into our country and giving something to them. One of the song lines was ‘What are you going to do today to make you feel proud’ and when I was singing that I was thinking ‘This is what I’m doing today to make me feel proud.’ I love the experiences the choir offers – the camaradie, the challenges and the joy of singing in harmony. A great find.
During my childhood my mother said more than once, ‘Hitler got it right, sending those guys straight to the gas chamber’. She was German. I really got the impression that she wasn’t accepting of gay people. My father was Lithuanian and poorly educated. Being 48 years older than me and always struggling with English, I rarely conversed with him. I’d expect him to answer a question with, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand’. When I was 29 or 30, I was walking with my father and, finding him unusually clear of mind, I asked him what he thought of homosexuality. He paused momentarily and said, ‘It’s just like planting a tree upside down’. We never broached the subject again but it seemed clear that he harboured no antipathy towards homosexuality; he just found it odd.
In my adolescence I dated girls and probably warmed to girls more than boys. But ‘gay’ never came into my mind, we didn’t know what ‘gay’ was. When I was 20, I got my girlfriend up the duff so I said, ‘Oh OK, I’ll get married’; she was intelligent and I always thought I’d get married one day so ‘Why not now?’ I thought ‘Maybe you can grow to love her’. Perhaps those early years of marriage were some of the happiest of my life, playing mothers and fathers. I had a roving eye towards the end of the decade. I had my first male sexual experience when I was 28. I thought ‘Uh-oh, I have to live a different life now.’ I sought counseling from an Irish Catholic nun. When I said, ‘I think I have to leave because I want to have sex with men’ she said ‘You don’t, you can stay with your wife and have a bloke on the side’. I disagreed; I couldn’t be duplicitous. But I struggled with leaving because I wanted my marriage to be the best and for my children to have the best upbringing. The break up was very stormy but zooming forward I have two sons that are married and live close by, one son has one child and the other has two. I adore being called ‘Granddad’. Me and the kids go on family holidays every year.
When I first realised I was gay I told my brother. He said ‘I thought so’. But I dared not tell my parents. At that time I was 29 to 30. I let my mum know when I was about 34. I’d done a course that encouraged me to be authentic. I gave myself two days to prepare. My mum was in Germany at the time. I called and said ‘By the way I’ve got something to say. I’m homosexual.’ She said ‘I feel sorry for you’. There was no hate. I asked her why and she said ‘Because of the lifestyle. It’s difficult if you’re homosexual. I think you should find a nice girl and get married.’ She probably thought ‘Just play that part of you down and live in the straight world’. It’s like, even though you’re a meat lover, stick to a vegetarian diet; it’s more acceptable. I appreciate that my mother carried all the disdain contained within her generation towards homosexuality.
I was due to come over to Germany to visit mum three weeks later. When she picked me up from the train station - it sounds like a cliché - but my hair was bleached blonde. Her first words on seeing me were ‘You don’t have to advertise it you know’. That’s her humour. She would have liked me just to play it down and I guess the message from her was that it was a bitter pill for her to swallow. But it was for me too. I was brought up in a straight mould. I identified as straight. Other people were gay. I wasn’t gay. And then you wake up one day and ‘Actually, you are gay. You are one of them.’ I did feel that being gay you were a lesser person. You were disenfranchised to some extent. You were the subject of criticism. People would whisper and point.
I don’t think I’ve had many experiences where people have said ‘You’re a fag.’ ‘You’re a poofter.’ It was more in my mind. And I’ve got to admit, too, when I was in the straight world I’d say about gay people ‘Oh they’re a bit suss.’ ‘A friend of Dorothy.’ But now I feel people are much more accepting and I’m much more open. I was at a party once and a woman said ‘I’m looking for a good husband’. I said ‘Look darling we’re in the same boat’. And, I was sitting with a real estate agent once and they asked ‘Your accent, where’s that from?’ and immediately I said ‘That’s a gay accent’. I would never have done that 15 years ago. In fact, the woman replied ‘Oh you’re gay? My dad’s gay.’ It’s a different sort of wind that’s blowing now.
About two years ago I thought I needed to get out and about a bit. I’d become quite disenchanted with the gay community and trying to make friends and my hobby had become emptying wine bottles into my stomach. I thought ‘There’s some living to be done here’. I thought I’d give the choir a whirl, despite not being the world’s best singer. I love the way that my week is punctuated every Thursday with practice. I love the activities and the concerts. We sang last year at a citizenship ceremony. I felt really good doing it. Singing is a wonderful thing and we were welcoming people into our country and giving something to them. One of the song lines was ‘What are you going to do today to make you feel proud’ and when I was singing that I was thinking ‘This is what I’m doing today to make me feel proud.’ I love the experiences the choir offers – the camaradie, the challenges and the joy of singing in harmony. A great find.